Should you have kids? The surprising reason the answer matters more than ever.

As birthrates fall, two progressive women who’ve had four children each talk about why they chose differently.

The Kennedy Family, 1938. AP/Boston Globe

Do I want children?

It’s a question most people have or will ask themselves. It can be a hard question to answer because there are so many factors to take into consideration: climate change, politics, personal sacrifice, money, health, the list goes on. But as having children has become less of a default option around the world, what does that mean for our society?

According to the New York Times’ Ross Douthat, it’s simple: “Conservatives have more kids, liberals have fewer - conservatives own the future.”

It unfortunately makes all too much sense when you look at the data. And conservatives are actively working on convincing young women to have more conservative values through the guise of wellness: “Less Prozac, more protein. Less burnout, more babies, less feminism, more femininity,” said Alex Clark, a wellness influencer and podcast host who headlined the largest young conservative women’s event in the country, hosted by Turning Point USA.

In Douthat’s conversation with Alice Evans, a sociologist at King’s College London, Evans explained:

“Fertility is collapsing everywhere, all at once. Perhaps with the exception of sub-Saharan Africa, where rates are still very high, but across Latin America, the Middle East, Northern Africa, all those trends are going sharply downward,” said Evans.

Why? Evans thinks a big force is technology. More specifically that online entertainment is so good that it is outcompeting personal entertainment, leading to less people coupling up. Between games, podcasts, streaming, and online gambling you don’t need to leave home to feel entertained.

Douthat tries to push Evans for opinions on popular theories ie. the Left thinks benefits like universal childcare would solve it, while the Right thinks decline of religion and a sense of moral obligation to the future are the cause.

Evans shoots back that none of these theories are supported by the data. Population is down globally, including in, for example, Sweden (great benefits) and in Egypt (conservative values). As she mentioned above, Subsaharan Africa holds steady but as iPhone moves across sub Saharan Africa, she expects that fertility will fall.

It appears we’re in a doom loop of sorts. It’s easier to play a video game than go to a bar. But, retreating digitally harms our ability to relate and care about others, and increases loneliness. Because men and women today can’t relate, they have a harder time finding a mate. Marriage can be a moderating influence on those differences and increase understanding, but marriage is on the decline.

It’s an interesting discussion, with Evans and Douthat exploring the “coupling crisis” and discussing various potential but limited solutions like economic incentives, IVF advances, and even cultural shifts (ie. making more Rom Coms lol). Ultimately, they both warn us of dire economic and political consequences if current trends continue.

That’s when two of my friends came to mind. Two progressive women who are defying stereotypes and have had 4 children each. I wanted to hear directly from them: what inspired them to have a big family, how did they meet their significant others, and if having children impacted their careers and identities.

Meet Hannah and Jessica.

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The Pre-Digital Romance Era

Hannah and Jessica found their partners before smartphones took over our social lives. Hannah met her husband at 18, “the summer before college,” while Jessica met hers “at the University of Michigan at a party at his house.”

Political Alignment as Prerequisite

For both women, sharing values with their partners wasn’t just nice to have—it was essential.

Hannah: Absolutely yes, we have the same values and politics, and I cannot imagine having a family with someone who did not. I have friends who sleep next to people who vote for candidates who actively work to restrict their and their children’s rights, who promote propaganda and say absolutely out of pocket things daily and I do not know how they do it.

Jessica: We do share the same values and politics. Being able to see the world in a similar way was definitely a prerequisite for me. Jon and I come from very different backgrounds.

I’m the first U.S.-born in my family and was raised by a single mom, and Jon’s a white guy from a blue-collar, working-class Midwest family. So while our core values aligned from the start, I think a lot of our political views have really taken shape as we’ve grown together and become parents.

Two Paths to Four Kids

Hannah: We always wanted a big family. I love a family that rolls deep and I always felt bad for only children. Who will help you care for your parents? Who will care about you when they’re gone? I wanted to give my children that. I hoped they would have many siblings and that they would be soulmates. And I like even numbers, so 4 was the goal.

Jessica: To be completely honest, Jon and I never talked about kids before I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter back in December of 2014. I never thought I would have kids. I like to say the first three kids were unplanned because we really didn’t have the best grasp on birth control/family planning.

I am one of three and always felt like there was one of us left out. So when we talked about having a fourth (and actually planning it instead of being surprised), we settled on the idea of having one more to ‘even out the teams’.

Career Timing & Financial Stability

Hannah: I became pregnant while studying for a career defining exam and planning a wedding. I passed the exam while 4 months pregnant and celebrated with a vanilla milkshake instead of the many martinis I wanted and earned.

Though my pregnancy at 26 was a surprise, I intended to have children with my then fiancée and, after discussing, we felt like we could push our timeline forward. I do not think there is ever a good time to blow your life up (which is what having an infant will do) so we decided to push through and let the chips fall. We always wanted 4 children and figured starting early could potentially help us meet that objective.

Jessica: My path definitely didn’t follow that typical narrative of waiting to have kids until a career was fully established. I found out I was pregnant with Olive at 22, and it was a complete surprise.

At the time, Jon was already playing in the NHL, and the financial stability that came with his job played a big role in my decision to go ahead with the pregnancy. Of course, it wasn’t just about money - we loved each other, and I knew he’d be a supportive partner and dad - but given that we both grew up with limited means, financial security was something I weighed heavily.

I was able to go to school and now am able to have a job that I enjoy, but I recognize that a big part of that is because I had the privilege of financial security from my husband’s career. I think it is extremely valid that many women don’t have kids because they believe it will hinder them at work or that they could lose out on opportunities because they have kids. To me, it is a systemic issue. Our society is not set up for working mothers - or, really, anyone who isn’t a white man.

Sharing the Load

Both women describe partnerships where domestic responsibilities are genuinely shared, though the specifics vary based on their circumstances.

Jessica: When Jon’s home and not on the road for work, he does all the heavy lifting. He could get home at 3am after a 10-day road trip and still be up at 7am getting the kids ready for school so I can sleep in. Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, dishes, attempting to do their hair, you name it - he’s all in. He’s incredibly hands-on, which is such a relief, especially coming from an old-school Mexican Machista culture where traditional gender roles were the norm.

Hannah: We split the work to run our home - he does laundry, I meal plan, etc. We also invest in infrastructure like house cleaners, grocery delivery, etc. When it comes to our children, I am the primary parent. This is because I have more flexibility at work (I truly set my own schedule) and because I really don’t want to miss anything for my children.

Both acknowledge taking on more of the mental load and planning responsibilities, though for different reasons.

Jessica: I tend to handle most of the planning - school, appointments, activities, all the day-to-day logistics. Since I’m home with the kids more consistently during the hockey season, I carry more of the mental load and am the primary caretaker in that stretch of the year.

Hannah: There’s for sure a psychological component in that maybe as a woman I feel like I should be their primary and most favorite parent. Also my parents were divorced and both worked demanding jobs while I was young. I felt supported and loved but I noticed when they couldn’t come to events and other moms and dads did. I’d like to spare my children that feeling when possible.

The Financial Reality

When asked about the most expensive parts of having four children that people don’t talk about, both women were blunt about the costs.

Jessica: CHILD CARE - everyone talks about it but it is the #1 thing for a reason. Activities are also extremely expensive, especially as they get older. I wish I had something cheap to talk about, but there isn’t much. The clothes and shoes you get to pass down between children could qualify as a manageable expense.

Hannah: Everything is astronomical. Travel can be prohibitively expensive. 6 tickets, at least 2 rooms, car rental or local transportation, bringing along parents or a sitter to accompany so it feels like maybe a vacation at some point? Keeping four children eating only organic fruit feels like it could bankrupt a dual income household!

Raising Progressive Kids

Hannah: We live in a liberal enclave and send our children to schools that are progressive and prioritize social justice. We engage our children in age appropriate discussions around whatever is happening in the world. They come with us to demonstrations and parades and events. They come with us to park clean ups and to donate supplies after storms. We want them to have community and to recognize and use their talents to make this world a better place.

Jessica: We are very open with our kids and encourage them to ask questions. We don’t believe in hiding things that are happening in the world. Kids aren’t given enough credit, they understand more than people often think. We teach our values through exposure and modeling. Whether it’s through the way Jon and I talk to each other, leading with empathy, how we show up for others/our community, or holding ourselves accountable when we mess up.

Maintaining Friendships

Both women describe friend groups that embraced their growing families, though their strategies for maintaining relationships differ.

Jessica: Our friends are spread out all over the country, and because we’ve moved so often, the reaction to each new baby was always a mix of surprise and excitement. We were also the first in our friend groups to start having kids, so if anything, people were genuinely excited to welcome more little gremlins into the mix. I’ve been really lucky - my friends have been amazing through every stage. After each baby was born, one of them would come stay with me while Jon was on the road.

Hannah: We spend time with friends who have children and that’s sometimes easier if we are bringing ours. We spend time with friends who have none - with and without ours. We are committed to sustaining our personal relationships and happily haven’t noticed a vibe shift. Some of our single/childless friends are our children’s godparents.

I am a big fan of the 7 minute catch up and rotate through calling my favorites anytime I’m alone in the car. I also always set the next meeting when having lunch or coffee or drinks with a friend. Even if you have to move it, at least you know it won’t fall off completely.

The Identity Balance

Hannah: My husband and I agree that our family is our priority. But more specifically, our marriage comes first, then our children. We ensure that we each have time to work out each day and attend physical therapy, meet with our psychologists, etc. we absolutely prioritize our physical and mental health because when things go off the rails on either front (which happens despite best efforts) the whole family suffers!

Jessica: It definitely ebbs and flows. There have been seasons where all I did was stay home with the kids, and I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. Those were especially tough when I didn’t have as much support with the girls. But now that our youngest is four and the big three are all in school, I feel like I am finally starting to get back to focusing on my individual identity and interests.

Their Advice

Hannah: I think if you’re not sure you want to have kids, you shouldn’t do it. It’s exhausting, never-ending, life-changing work but all the other things they say about parenthood are also true, in my experience. It’s mind expanding, it’s gratifying, it brings clarity and purpose, it will fire-test your relationships and require you to refine your character and your temper.

Jessica: I get why people have kids, I get why they don’t. Whatever you decide, just do you. Take care of yourself and your mental health. If having a kid with a partner is your plan, be with someone who would be the kind of example of love you would want your kid to grow up seeing. Don’t settle for a love you wouldn’t want your own kids, your friends, or your favorite people to accept.

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My sincere gratitude to both Hannah and Jessica for taking the time to do these interviews. <3.

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